06.09.24

A relative that has since passed away once told me something along the lines of: 'life is boring and repetitive, and ultimately, everything in the world is the same.'

I used to laugh... but it turns out that he was right! How funny.

02.09.24

If I'm completely honest, if I won the lottery tomorrow, the most likely outcome is that I would get breast implants, get my lips done, get hair extensions, and then I'd do an unholy amount of drugs and die in a coke-fuelled bender.

When you don't want anything, even the fantasy of boundless wealth falls flat. It doesn't cause your brain to light up with inspiration and glimmer with possibilities. When I mourn having never really traveled anywhere, I don't even mourn the loss of the possibility of seeing that place... I mourn the point at which I even cared enough to want it. I mourn the person I thought I could have become.

What's the best I can hope for? Dying as an adult virgin at my parents' house, working a part time job, with no retirement pension to speak of. I don't have anything to live for. Hopes of love and independence are ridiculous - and naive. I have no hope. Let's be realistic.

It's absurd to have been so ambitious... as a child, a teenager, a young adult... when the reality is that it's extremely apparent that there's something deeply wrong with my brain which prevents me from functioning.

01.09.24

Life becomes infinitely funnier once you have no reason to stay alive, and are not planning to, either. You feel untouchable, genuinely. You become impervious to all threats, all suffering, all obstacles. There's a wonderful lightness to knowing it's in your power, and that ultimately you are indeed the master of your own destiny.
I think the stigma is societally enforced partially because of the power that 'self-exit' gives YOU. Nobody can take that away from you. Nobody holds power over you.
The only thing I ever wanted in life is freedom.

31.08.24

I'm not sure whether this is because my brain is fried (I blame alcoholism & carbon monoxide poisoning), but I don't want to experience anything.

I don't want to live long, since I don't want to experience anything. I have no desires, no ambitions. I don't want to see anything. Everything is underwhelming. Whenever I'm somewhere nice, or doing something special, there's this unbearable flatness. I feel like every experience would be wasted on me. I truly, truly don't want anything anymore. I think life is just trouble after trouble, with a few funny times inbetween... but there really is nothing I want anymore. I always find problems, anyway.

There's no reason I'm alive - not spite, not fear of death... I suppose I'm waiting until it gets so bad that it's objectively the right thing to do. Hesitation is normal. I don't want anything.

28.08.24

I don't feel sorrow on birthdays due to a fear of getting old. I don't feel scared of wrinkles, and I don't really care about fading desirability. I don't feel like I have anything to lose, not really.

What makes me feel sorrow is the fact that to me, birthdays are a celebration of life. You set this day aside to celebrate the life you've lived in the past year... due to my own choices, and my own failures... the life lived this past year has not been worth celebrating. A repeating pattern, it seems.

03.08.24

I headcanon her as a Libertarian...