07.04.2024

Filth should be removed

06.03.2024

Being free of dreams, ambition and long-term goals is ego death.

05.03.2024

I think today I really noticed...

01.03.2024

It's like I'm allergic to every sound, to every person, to every texture; to every change of light, weather, everything.

It's difficult to make sense of your feelings & life experience without some sort of recognition through another person. I wish there was some sort of social group, some sort of community, some sort of history I could find myself in... I don't fit in anywhere. It's egotistical to think you're a totally unique person with nobody like you, but it really feels like it. I feel excluded. It makes sense that I am excluded.

25.02.2024

I think it's important to go to places alone. You can develop that drive, that self-confidence, that ability to claim your space without needing external validation or approval through that.

23.02.2024

What is personality?

On the American Psychiatric Association web site, we see it defined as:

Personality refers to the enduring characteristics and behavior that comprise a person’s unique adjustment to life, including major traits, interests, drives, values, self-concept, abilities, and emotional patterns.

>>CONCLUSION

How can I live differently? Who am I?

What I crave the most is seeing myself in someone else; recognising myself through another. I wish I was /someone/ - to someone, in some way, someone knew what I was and what I felt, at least a bit. All I want is that.

22.02.2024

There's a palpable rigidity to everything I make. I flattened everything I feel and experience into Words. I can't seem to recreate the vision of my world. The expression is always rigid and shallow, it is always soulless, I cannot fully express anything.

20.02.2024

Buildings are completely flat today. The big apartment blocks look completely two-dimensional, and the sky along with them. I'm finding it difficult to see in the 3D space these days. I feel confused about where I am & what I'm really doing... and who I am.

15.02.2024

The revulsion is never overcome.

I am able to accept that I am the way I am - I've tried to change it, to no avail - but I cannot seem to accept it emotionally. I keep rebelling against the grief I feel for the life I 'should've' had, which is absurd. There is no 'should' - there only IS.

13.02.2024

I don't expect inclusion. The only real desire that remains is the desire to disappear, finally.

08.02.2024

Uncurable diseases are just that: uncurable.

07.02.2024

Nothing matters: if it feels good, it's good, right?

06.02.2024

As I did travel all on a journey
Over the wayside and under a dark moon
Hanging above a mountain

I spied a young man riding a fine horse
Chasing a white hart and all through the woodland
Head of a hunting party

And there followed after ten kings and queens
Laughing and joking, the white hart they'd seen
Bloodied running into the bushes

I plume to his helmet, a quiver and a bow
There's nowhere to run now, there's no place to go
The hunt is cast and ready

05.02.2024

I never really aim to be dramatic, or anything of the sort. I guess over time it'll be easier to write here... less awkward. I used to do video diaries for myself, but this sort of thing just works better. Better for organising thoughts, I guess. I won't write an introduction, or anything, since the rest of the site does a good enough job. I don't expect anyone to read this, nor have a desire to get a PhD in my Various Neuroses.

I'm self-absorbed. I'm pretentious. Everything I say is self-important, ridiculous, pseudo-intellectual. I never claim to be an intellectual, I never force myself into any space, I never claim any identity, any role, any title; I don't claim a space in society, history, human experience, in any group, nothing... I'm pre-emptively shut out of every group.